“Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.”
Confucius
I recently started having more money than I’m used to. There are several contributing factors to this, mostly pleasant, but there has been an undesired and familiar effect to my increased fortune.
Just when I was ready to sit down with someone about my new budget and best ways forward to maximize the benefits of my income, I ended up taking in a stray cat with some hefty accompanying vet bills.
Then my car started having trouble and getting it fixed cost twice the expected amount.
Then I filed my taxes, and ended up owing a considerable sum, instead of getting a refund as usual.
For good measure, I also accidentally locked myself out of my house and had to pay a locksmith over $100 to let me back in.
All of this is to say, at the moment I started to step out of my life-long pattern of having just enough money to get by, a whole new set of expenses showed up to keep me at the same bank balance.
But I’m not complaining.
First, I’m in awe of how life has truly gone above and beyond to keep my financial circumstances the same. Similar to when I was hit by a semi-truck, there is a quality of miracle involved that I appreciate.
Second, I understand the cause of this miracle and what to do about it.
The thing that has the most power over our lives and is capable of creating such perfectly timed storms is unconscious need.
Whenever there is a circumstance in life that doesn’t change and sometimes takes dramatic measures to stay the same, it is meeting a basic, survival-level need. At least according to our unconscious.
When I get out of my surface struggle of what I want vs. what’s showing up, and observe carefully what’s happening, I start to understand it’s purpose. I can then fulfill that need consciously, and educate my unconscious in ways to better achieve its goals.
In this example, I have a need to be safe.
I come to know this through the following process:
1. I let go of my agenda.
Telling myself this pattern has to stop doesn’t allow me to listen to or learn from it. Instead, I become curious and compassionate, wanting to know what’s going on so I can better know and love myself.
2. I ask questions.
How do I feel when I have more money than I’m used to? (out of balance, scared) How do I feel when I spend it? (relieved – expenses justify income) Why do I need to justify my income? (it doesn’t feel right to have more than I need, truly spiritual people don’t need more than basic necessities, good people are poor) Why do I need to be good? (so I won’t be in anyone’s way and no one will want to hurt me)
Notice in the above I start by asking how I feel, and ask follow up questions based on those feelings. It’s an active listening practice, so your questions to yourself will be different according to how you answer each question.
I uncover some operating beliefs that aren’t useful for increasing my savings account, and get to the core issue of fear that I’ll be hurt. (Why my unconscious made this particular connection is not important, and asking can lead one down a rabbit’s hole of unhappiness. Best not to be too concerned with “why”.)
Since I now know what drives my unconscious in this matter and thereby my life, I can explore meeting my need to be safe while having money.
Again, I engage with compassion. The parts of us that drive unhelpful patterns tend to operate at a 2 – 5 year old’s level, so logic doesn’t work and anger/frustration tend to make it both hide and double down on its stance.
I observe how not having too much money keeps me feeling safe, and allow myself to revel in the feeling of safety spending most of my money on necessities has given me.
Doing so not only feels fantastic, it also grounds the pattern by letting it connect to the thing it’s been reaching for all along. Instead of freaking out over my self-sabotage and denying the feeling my unconscious orchestrated a confluence of extraordinary circumstances in order to achieve, I let myself have the feeling.
Yes, I get to feel safe. No one will hurt me. I’m okay.
From here I can start to relax, and notice times I’ve had money and been okay. Knowing I’m safe allows my unconscious to uncoil and stop being reactive. Then I can start to look at all the ways having money is safe for me and the real world ways it keeps me safe, bringing my inner 2 year old along and communicating at her level.
Life is shaped by your needs, and whenever something chronically doesn’t go your way it’s because it is performing a function for your unconscious. When you allow yourself to fully receive whatever the benefit is the unconscious is working to create – a feeling of safety, connection, being loved, etc – it’s like a muscle cramp releases and your unconscious begins to work with you rather than against you. Then it creates perfect storms of what you want syncing up at once, because it has that power.
I am continuing to have more money come into my life. Time will tell if I’m able to keep it from leaving quite so quickly, but my track record for success using this process (relationships, weight loss, health, etc) says yes. For now I’m reveling in the joy of feeling connected and safe on a deep level. Anything that happens next is gravy.
Learning to listen into what you need and let yourself have it is a skill. If you have trouble with it, an individual session with me can coach you through the process and help you get a handle on exactly how to do it, giving you the power to then do it on your own.
Then the chronic muscle cramps of too little money, not enough time, bad relationships, and more release.
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